The End

I'm getting out of prison. As of Tuesday, April 5th, I was FINALLY offered a position and will re-enter the workforce on Monday. It feels a little bit like receiving a new kidney. Not that I've ever needed new kidneys, but i do feel like I've gotten a new lease on life. Or at least, that life is no longer on hold. It's strange though. I never thought I'd ever come to regard a job as so integral a part of life, but I guess the older we get the more important work becomes infused with how we view our identity. That's not to say I don't long for the days when i was freshly out of college and the only thing foremost on my mind was "what are we (friends) doing tonight?" But the friends now have all started to get married, we all don't go out as much, and the need to make a "mark" on a career feels more urgent. As much as I'd like to revert back to my carefree early 20's, it just doesn't fit now.
So, for everybody out there under the age of 25.... DO go out every night you can. NEVER turn down an opportunity to act rashly. If you don't like your job - QUIT now while you can and find someting you LOVE to do and do it well. DON'T WAIT! Time creeps up on you far too quickly! And most importantly, if I had one thing to do over again, I would have taken ONE year off while still in my 20's and traveled the world. Preferably alone. Believe it or not, it's not that hard to do, nor is it as expensive as it sounds. I traveled to New Zealand and Australia a couple of years ago and I learned more in those 3 weeks than I did in the decade since I graduated college. I will always regret not following up with those plans. Yes, you will be putting on hold whatever career it is you are currently pursuing, but you will NEVER AGAIN be able to do something as fulfilling or educational. Believe it or not, life does eventually catch up with you....SEIZE THE DAY.
Lastly, I need to 'fess up to a minor fib. When I first started this blog, I never indicated whether I was male or female, but the first comments I got seemed to assume I was male. Which, in retrospect, is kind of interesting if you care about those retro male/female work biases. In any case, I kind of ran with it, so to speak, and kind of assumed that identity. So, I went back and changed all identifiers that would point to "female" and thought it might be interesting to write from a male point of view. Everything else is entirely true, but I tried to "masculinize" the perspective. In reality, I'm a 30 year old female and I apologize in advance if anyone takes offense. And to everyone who did email me your advice, comments and help - thank you. ALL OF IT helped immensely.

Thank you again and I will continue to follow with interest, all of your own personal blogs.

"Kristian"

The Sex Lives of Cannibals

I just finished reading The Sex Lives of Cannibals, by J. Maarten Troost, and I have to say, it is probably one of the most enjoyable books I have read in quite some time. And considering I'm currently among the ranks of the "under-employed," I've been on quite a reading tear lately. So the fact that I feel the need to recommend this book should tell you how cool and well written this book is. Trust me, you'll love it. I've included the synoposis below. However, as long I'm talking books, do NOT read The Dante Club, by Matthew Pearl. Unbelieveably pretentious, erudite and downright boring.

The Sex Lives of Cannibals - Adrift in the Equatrial Pacific, by J. Maarten Troost
At the age of twenty-six, Maarten Troost - who had been pushing the snooze button on the alarm clock of life by racking up useless graduate degrees and muddling through a series of temp jobs - decided to pack up his flip-flops and move to Tarawa, a remote South Pacific island in the Republic of Kiribati. He was restless and lacked direction, and the idea of dropping everything and moving to the ends of the earth was irresistibly romantic. He should have known better.
The Sex Lives of Cannibals tells the hilarious story of what happens when Troost discovers that Tarawa is not the island paradise he dreamed of. Falling into one amusing misadventure after another, Troost struggles through relentless, stiffling heat, a variety of deadly bacteria, polluted seas, toxic fish - all in a country where the only music to be heard for miles around is "La Macarena".

Depression

I’ve been unemployed now for 3 months and I have this sickening feeling that life is passing me by. Friends, family, former girlfriends they are all moving through their days with a purpose, a goal, and I continue to devolve as I sit in my apartment endlessly poring over internet job sites trying to figure out what to do. I may as well be under house arrest with Martha Stewart, because my apartment is starting to feel like a prison. Life is currently on hold.

Have you ever seen those special effects in movies where they’ll show a guy standing somewhere really busy, like Times Square, and while he’s shown walking at normal speed, everyone else around him is moving 10 times as fast? It’s sort of like that. And I feel like I’m being left behind. Although, I think I’ve always felt like that. But the routine of the day has a way of distracting you from those unpleasant thoughts.

So, why the angst?

I can remember graduating from college and after my first month at my first real job, I distinctly remember thinking, “This is it?” Everyone else seemed so optimistic about ‘getting ahead’ and, for the most part, generally seemed to be enjoying themselves as they worked their way up the corporate ladder and began to acquire all the expensive trappings and accessories of modern day life. I faked it. I went with the crowd because I believed that eventually I’d be happy doing all that too. I even convinced myself that working harder was the way to force me to accept that this is normal. Of course, the after work drinks, the partying with friends, and the occasional vacation does make it all easier to accept. But if I were to be totally honest with myself, I just didn’t see the point of it all. I think I’ve been waiting for something to happen so that it would either all suddenly make sense and I can accept my lot in life or it would release me.

I mean, I’m pretty sure as human beings we weren’t meant to sit in an office for 12 hours a day, in a temperature controlled environment, worrying about whether we have time to get another latte before we have to go to yet another meeting on interpersonal effectiveness, all while cursing your computer, which is down AGAIN, so that you can’t Instant Message your friends about how annoying the guy who sits next to you is. What’s the point of it all? There’s no end result. Sure, you may eventually get a raise and I guess that can be considered a result, but so what? All that means is you can now buy MORE “stuff” that will be out of date and more expensive next year forcing you to work harder to get another raise.

I guess my point is this – have you ever watched any of those shows on the National Geographic Channel where they’ll feature some various tribe or rural society? It will usually describe how everybody has a specific role so that on a day to day basis, their society can function. As in, if I do not hunt today, we will not eat. Typically, they do not have many possessions and the ones that do, will share with anyone who needs or wants it. They function as a community. They live off the land and rarely does the issue of competition extend further than who caught the most fish. Nobody worries about who has the biggest hut or who was able to afford the luxury camel. In every single one of these tribes or communities – they’re all happy.

I’m not saying I don’t like the comforts of modern living. However, on some level, when you take away the ‘necessity to survive’ from your daily purpose or being, it feels so pointless.

Top Ten Reason I Do NOT Miss Having a Job

TOP TEN REASONS I DO NOT MISS HAVING A JOB

10. People who chew and pop gum loudly….like a cow. All....day....long.

9. People who leave long-winded 10 minute voice-mail messages that could have been summed up in 30 seconds.

8. Co-workers with rampant Halitosis that is exacerbated by a 7 cup a day coffee habit.

7. Co-workers who plaster their desk or office with nothing but pictures of their kids and their artwork. NOBODY cares about your kids. We're not impressed.

6. Co-workers talking about their kids. Again, nobody gives a shit.

5. People who play Solitaire at their desk for 5 hours straight and then whine about how much work they have to do and how unfair it is.

4. Humming or singing obsessively “Mmm Bop!” at your desk.

3. Being in ear-shot of someone who spends hours on the phone with friends talking endlessly about inconsequential drivel. “I wanted to get a manicure yesterday, but I couldn’t decide between Fiji Pink or Pretty in Pink, but then I figured why not Red? So then I had the choice of Fire Engine Red or…..”

2. Sitting near a woman who is recently engaged and planning a wedding. Enough said.

1. Bosses who make an obscene amount of money, but who are so retarded they do not understand that there is a spell check function on their email. Example - Email: Can you tell Joanna to order me some of those big clits for my meeting next week? No problem Lumberg. But don’t you mean clips?!?!?

Going Postal?

Here’s another good story submitted to The Staple Gun by Anonymous

There was a this new guy at work, (obviously I can’t tell you his name) and this guy was a total tool. Total entry level, but all he did was whine all day. The more he whined, the more it made us want to annoy the shit out of him. It became like a quest. What can we do today to drive this guy nuts. Another guy I work with decided to take those inserts you find in magazines and fill them out in his name. So, once we all found out about it, we all decided to fill out as many of them as we could. Anything from Ladies Home Journal to hard-core porn, we filled out in this guy’s name using his work address. Well, he goes on vacation and came back to find over 200 pieces of mail in his mailbox when he came back. The mailman literally dropped a SACK of mail off. We were nice enough to leave his copy of STUDS right on top for everyone to see.

Sloth and Dave Navarro

Ok. I’ve been away again, but I’ve actually been interviewing like crazy. And of course.... still not getting anywhere. I was actually interviewed on Tuesday by the world’s ugliest person. He came pretty close to looking like that guy ‘Sloth’ from The Goonies. Except he had a wicked case of acne to boot.
You keep reading all these stories about companies discriminating against fat and ugly people and that they consciously or unconsciously tend to hire thin, good-looking people. Which in no way can explain why everybody I’ve met during this whole process has got an ass the size of a 747 and has a face that looks like they grew up next to a nuclear reactor. No, really. A female recruiter I met with at an Investment Bank had so much facial hair, I nicknamed her Dave Navarro (for the goatee).
Thank God for St. Patrick’s Day! I got to spend a blessed night getting drunk without all the hassle of people telling me, “maybe you shouldn’t drink so much”.
To which I say, it’s cheaper than a shrink.

Horny Bosses

Well, I've been away for awhile with MAJOR computer issues, but I'm back and happy to say, I've gotten some great submissions for The Staple Gun's Inbox - Tales of the Wild and Weird. Read below for today's posting.

MediaMan25:
I work in advertising and my boss once had me wait on the corner, while he went in to screw his girlfriend before we had to go to a meeting downtown. Yes, he's married and it was fucking freezing outside! The sad thing is, he was only in there for about 20 minutes. I think he was lying about getting laid and was probably going in to paint her toenails or something gay like that, but he then offered to set me up with the nanny of his OTHER girlfriend in D.C. when we had to travel down there two weeks later. Meanwhile, my job consists of getting coffee for this asshole and waiting on street corners while he gets blown.

Thanks for sharing MediaMan25! My advice is, maybe take up smoking to pass the time. It will bring the sweet release of death a lot sooner.

Stay tuned for more tales to follow.

Submit Your Own Work Story

Misery loves company... Do you hate your job? Do you have a story so outrageous, it's almost not to be believed? Well, The Staple Gun would love to hear about it. Your story can be funny, horrific, lewd, crude, or all of the above, as long as it's true. Submit your own scenario by emailing me (use the "Email Me" listed at right), and I'll publish the best of them here on this page. Please specify if you would like your name used or if you prefer an alias/anonymous.