How did this happen?
I sit here day after day after day, staring at my computer screen and wishing I knew at 21 what I know now......
Ahhhhh to be young again. I wish you were allowed just one "do-over" in life. People keep telling me it's not too late to make changes in life, but at 33 it seems damn near impossible. I feel like I've wasted my youth chasing after this unattainable goal of being "satisfied" with work, or is it life? I think that's part of my problem. I've somehow confused work with life and it's made me satisfied with neither. I've sacrificed friendships, relationships, and vacations. I've worked hard, tried my best and I thought that's all you needed to succeed. How stupid of me. Now that I have been down-sized right out of a job, I feel utterly lost as to what to do with the rest of my life.
The funny thing is, whenever I tell people i'm out of work, they look at me like they're jealous. Like life is one big party now that I'm not "on the clock." I hear things like, I should be out traveling the world or going out every night having the time of my life. The reality is, it's excrutiatingly lonely. Especially if you're not in a relationship, which seems to the norm for this city. New York is a strange place. Everybody's single and miserable about it, but the minute any of us have an opportunity with someone new, we think they're not good enough.
So, what do i do all day. Well, since I live alone and the rest of the world seems to have an office, I'm by myself all day. I have no one to talk to, so the highlights are going to Starbuck's, going to the gym, and calling all my friends hoping they'll have time to talk to me so my vocal cords don't completely atrophy. And if I'm really lucky, I get to interview with some jack-ass who asks me questions like, "so what have you been doing since you were let go?" Having naked orgies of course.
And by the way, unemployment pays jack in a city like New York and doesn't even cover my rent. How I got to be this age with nothing to show for it but a killer work wardrobe and nowhere to wear it, is beyond me. No really, I actually had a really hard time adjusting to wearing casual clothes 24/7. I don't own a lot of weekend clothes. Trust me, it's not as easy as it seems unless you're okay with wearing the same jeans or shirts a couple of times a week. Which, of course I'm TOTALLY okay with now.
Here's the shocking part....I don't really want another office job. I feel like maybe, just maybe I've got an opportunity here to completely switch gears and try and do something completely different. Not work 12 or 14 hour days, do something fun, heck, maybe even something meaningful. Because here's the thing, the one good part about not having a job is that I'm probably the healthiest I have ever been in my adult life. I eat right, I sleep, I workout. Now if only I could get a job with a sane amount of hours and a social life to go with it. I desperately want to pick up and go travel the world, but I'm afraid it's too late. The money's almost gone and there's that sickening feeling of "now what" when i get back. No matter how far you try to run, it's always there when you get back.....NOW WHAT......
So instead, I sit here dreaming and eventually look at my stapler and wonder which one of my former bosses I should whack in the head with it first. Maybe I should just start with myself.
Ahhhhh to be young again. I wish you were allowed just one "do-over" in life. People keep telling me it's not too late to make changes in life, but at 33 it seems damn near impossible. I feel like I've wasted my youth chasing after this unattainable goal of being "satisfied" with work, or is it life? I think that's part of my problem. I've somehow confused work with life and it's made me satisfied with neither. I've sacrificed friendships, relationships, and vacations. I've worked hard, tried my best and I thought that's all you needed to succeed. How stupid of me. Now that I have been down-sized right out of a job, I feel utterly lost as to what to do with the rest of my life.
The funny thing is, whenever I tell people i'm out of work, they look at me like they're jealous. Like life is one big party now that I'm not "on the clock." I hear things like, I should be out traveling the world or going out every night having the time of my life. The reality is, it's excrutiatingly lonely. Especially if you're not in a relationship, which seems to the norm for this city. New York is a strange place. Everybody's single and miserable about it, but the minute any of us have an opportunity with someone new, we think they're not good enough.
So, what do i do all day. Well, since I live alone and the rest of the world seems to have an office, I'm by myself all day. I have no one to talk to, so the highlights are going to Starbuck's, going to the gym, and calling all my friends hoping they'll have time to talk to me so my vocal cords don't completely atrophy. And if I'm really lucky, I get to interview with some jack-ass who asks me questions like, "so what have you been doing since you were let go?" Having naked orgies of course.
And by the way, unemployment pays jack in a city like New York and doesn't even cover my rent. How I got to be this age with nothing to show for it but a killer work wardrobe and nowhere to wear it, is beyond me. No really, I actually had a really hard time adjusting to wearing casual clothes 24/7. I don't own a lot of weekend clothes. Trust me, it's not as easy as it seems unless you're okay with wearing the same jeans or shirts a couple of times a week. Which, of course I'm TOTALLY okay with now.
Here's the shocking part....I don't really want another office job. I feel like maybe, just maybe I've got an opportunity here to completely switch gears and try and do something completely different. Not work 12 or 14 hour days, do something fun, heck, maybe even something meaningful. Because here's the thing, the one good part about not having a job is that I'm probably the healthiest I have ever been in my adult life. I eat right, I sleep, I workout. Now if only I could get a job with a sane amount of hours and a social life to go with it. I desperately want to pick up and go travel the world, but I'm afraid it's too late. The money's almost gone and there's that sickening feeling of "now what" when i get back. No matter how far you try to run, it's always there when you get back.....NOW WHAT......
So instead, I sit here dreaming and eventually look at my stapler and wonder which one of my former bosses I should whack in the head with it first. Maybe I should just start with myself.
