Depression
I’ve been unemployed now for 3 months and I have this sickening feeling that life is passing me by. Friends, family, former girlfriends they are all moving through their days with a purpose, a goal, and I continue to devolve as I sit in my apartment endlessly poring over internet job sites trying to figure out what to do. I may as well be under house arrest with Martha Stewart, because my apartment is starting to feel like a prison. Life is currently on hold.
Have you ever seen those special effects in movies where they’ll show a guy standing somewhere really busy, like Times Square, and while he’s shown walking at normal speed, everyone else around him is moving 10 times as fast? It’s sort of like that. And I feel like I’m being left behind. Although, I think I’ve always felt like that. But the routine of the day has a way of distracting you from those unpleasant thoughts.
So, why the angst?
I can remember graduating from college and after my first month at my first real job, I distinctly remember thinking, “This is it?” Everyone else seemed so optimistic about ‘getting ahead’ and, for the most part, generally seemed to be enjoying themselves as they worked their way up the corporate ladder and began to acquire all the expensive trappings and accessories of modern day life. I faked it. I went with the crowd because I believed that eventually I’d be happy doing all that too. I even convinced myself that working harder was the way to force me to accept that this is normal. Of course, the after work drinks, the partying with friends, and the occasional vacation does make it all easier to accept. But if I were to be totally honest with myself, I just didn’t see the point of it all. I think I’ve been waiting for something to happen so that it would either all suddenly make sense and I can accept my lot in life or it would release me.
I mean, I’m pretty sure as human beings we weren’t meant to sit in an office for 12 hours a day, in a temperature controlled environment, worrying about whether we have time to get another latte before we have to go to yet another meeting on interpersonal effectiveness, all while cursing your computer, which is down AGAIN, so that you can’t Instant Message your friends about how annoying the guy who sits next to you is. What’s the point of it all? There’s no end result. Sure, you may eventually get a raise and I guess that can be considered a result, but so what? All that means is you can now buy MORE “stuff” that will be out of date and more expensive next year forcing you to work harder to get another raise.
I guess my point is this – have you ever watched any of those shows on the National Geographic Channel where they’ll feature some various tribe or rural society? It will usually describe how everybody has a specific role so that on a day to day basis, their society can function. As in, if I do not hunt today, we will not eat. Typically, they do not have many possessions and the ones that do, will share with anyone who needs or wants it. They function as a community. They live off the land and rarely does the issue of competition extend further than who caught the most fish. Nobody worries about who has the biggest hut or who was able to afford the luxury camel. In every single one of these tribes or communities – they’re all happy.
I’m not saying I don’t like the comforts of modern living. However, on some level, when you take away the ‘necessity to survive’ from your daily purpose or being, it feels so pointless.
Have you ever seen those special effects in movies where they’ll show a guy standing somewhere really busy, like Times Square, and while he’s shown walking at normal speed, everyone else around him is moving 10 times as fast? It’s sort of like that. And I feel like I’m being left behind. Although, I think I’ve always felt like that. But the routine of the day has a way of distracting you from those unpleasant thoughts.
So, why the angst?
I can remember graduating from college and after my first month at my first real job, I distinctly remember thinking, “This is it?” Everyone else seemed so optimistic about ‘getting ahead’ and, for the most part, generally seemed to be enjoying themselves as they worked their way up the corporate ladder and began to acquire all the expensive trappings and accessories of modern day life. I faked it. I went with the crowd because I believed that eventually I’d be happy doing all that too. I even convinced myself that working harder was the way to force me to accept that this is normal. Of course, the after work drinks, the partying with friends, and the occasional vacation does make it all easier to accept. But if I were to be totally honest with myself, I just didn’t see the point of it all. I think I’ve been waiting for something to happen so that it would either all suddenly make sense and I can accept my lot in life or it would release me.
I mean, I’m pretty sure as human beings we weren’t meant to sit in an office for 12 hours a day, in a temperature controlled environment, worrying about whether we have time to get another latte before we have to go to yet another meeting on interpersonal effectiveness, all while cursing your computer, which is down AGAIN, so that you can’t Instant Message your friends about how annoying the guy who sits next to you is. What’s the point of it all? There’s no end result. Sure, you may eventually get a raise and I guess that can be considered a result, but so what? All that means is you can now buy MORE “stuff” that will be out of date and more expensive next year forcing you to work harder to get another raise.
I guess my point is this – have you ever watched any of those shows on the National Geographic Channel where they’ll feature some various tribe or rural society? It will usually describe how everybody has a specific role so that on a day to day basis, their society can function. As in, if I do not hunt today, we will not eat. Typically, they do not have many possessions and the ones that do, will share with anyone who needs or wants it. They function as a community. They live off the land and rarely does the issue of competition extend further than who caught the most fish. Nobody worries about who has the biggest hut or who was able to afford the luxury camel. In every single one of these tribes or communities – they’re all happy.
I’m not saying I don’t like the comforts of modern living. However, on some level, when you take away the ‘necessity to survive’ from your daily purpose or being, it feels so pointless.
